wicked wicker

We wangled four free tickets for The Wicker Man so wandered along to the Multiplex for an evening's entertainment.

Nicholas Lyndhurst takes the role made famous by Edward Woodward in the classic 1972 version. He plays a shy virginal vicar/policeman who can fly a seaplane, juggle bibles and talk in tongues, whilst secretly fiddling with his privates in an almost perverse manner.

He flies to Summerisle. The locals all say 'ooo ahhh' in Wurzel accents, whilst displaying their naked bottoms to ward him off.

'Aim looking for a wee lassie called Rowan, do any of you ne'er-do-wells know her?'

'Oo arr, nae we dinnae ken wee missy.'

'Ye cannae land here wi'oot the laird's permission.'

'So fuck off sassenach.'

Nicholas sets his jaw firmly and goes onto the island anyway, despite the locals flashing their genitalia at every opportunity.

'You see we're all Pagans here. We don't like yon christian and we're likely to do something barely legal if you interfere with us.'

'I'll interfere with whom I wish,' he laughs.



Later he spots a number of naked teenagers dancing by Stonehenge (the Scottish one) and after watching closely for eight hours says 'Disgusting!' and tells the Laird, played by chubby barrel of lard David Hasselhoff, off.

'I'll have you know I'm Lord Summerisle and I'll fain dae whatever I want on my own island you christian fuck!' is his riposte.



Lord Summerisle - calls christian a 'fuck'.

Nicholas sulkily goes into town where he is (unsuccessfully) seduced by Britt Eckland (played by Stephen Fry), and hides under the covers with a bible and a couple of fish.

He still can't find Rowan. He goes to the school where all the girls have beetles on leads but nobody has heard of her.

'Ai've hud of Rowan Atkinson,' volunteers one of the kids, who receives a hearty kick up the arse for her troubles from the burly ex-Fools and Horses star.

Later he sees naked ladies in baths and teenagers humping in a graveyard, but still no clues except for a hare in Rowan's grave.

He's getting cross. 'Ai'm getting cross,' he groans.

It's carnival day. All the islanders are dressed in masks and stuff, the Laird is wearing a wig and dress, but Nicholas is still cross and not really getting into the whole thing.

He's still looking for Rowan when he sees a big Wicker Man on a hill. He climbs up into it and locks the door behind him. 'Lovely view,' he mutters, 'shame aboot the fog.'

Suddenly he notices that the Wicker Man contains hundreds and hundreds of frightened animals. 'I'll wager yon critters are sacrifices by these heathen pagan terrorist fucks. Why these unbelievers are bad enough to burn a christian ... gulp ...'

The flames continue to rise and he breaks into a sweat. I won't ruin the ending but it involves a fleet of US helicopters, Steven Seagal, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jean-Claude Van Damme.